How to Do Things Right

So…there are all these magazines that list Do’s and Don’ts, Ins and outs, sexy vs. skanky, etc. What I love is that these things are soooo arbitrary, and seemingly unrelated. But hey, why not, right? It seems like a pretty good format. So here’s what I think:

Yes: Tuxedos
No: White tuxedos. Unless, of course, you’re in a play. Or, like, a dream sequence.

Yes: Women who manage to be funny and beautiful at the same time (Ana Faris, Tina Fey)
No: Women who manage to be tragic and beautiful at the same time (Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears)

Yes: Either staying pale (I prefer to call it alabaster) or using a self-tanner.
No: Tanning beds or “laying out” in the sun. (By the way, it’s “lying out”. If you’re going to do something that stupid, don’t make it worse by committing such a grievous grammatical error as well.) You know what doesn’t make you look good? Melanoma. And you know how you can keep that from happening? Wearing freaking sunscreen. Let’s be realistic: isn’t the best case scenario here that you’re going to look fifty when you’re thirty-five?

Yes: Being crazy in love with your husband.
No: Marrying someone just because he’s there, and then spending the rest of your life complaining about him. That’s what divorce is for, honey. Or better yet, just don’t marry him in the first place.

Yes: Throwing your entire soul into a performance.
No: Being a drama queen.

Yes: Weight Watchers
No: Atkins, South Beach, the cabbage soup diet, the grapefruit diet, the 48-hour Hollywood Miracle Diet. Anything that has an “induction phase” reminds me of a cult.

Yes: Makeup
No: Interrupting

Yes: Feeling good about your life choices.
No: Assigning a morality to foods. There is no “good food” or “bad food”. There is moderation.

Yes: Doing what you know is right for you, even if it upsets/ disappoints/ surprises/ disgusts those around you.
No: Whining about how people judge you. Like, who cares?

Yes: Being passive because you really don’t care that much.
No: Being passive-aggressive because you really do care but don’t have the guts to step up and do something about it.

Yes: Random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
No: Racism, bigotry, sexism, rude people.

Yes: Red toenail polish.
No: Macramé.

Yes: Drinking whiskey in the bathtub.
No: Brushing your teeth in the shower.

Yes: Not stooping to their level.
No: Letting them know you’re not stooping to their level.

Yes: Having convictions.
No: Deciding before you know the facts.

Yes: Books.
No: TV. (Addendum: there’s nothing worse than someone who goes on and on about how much they hate TV, and yet has over 100 channels. If you like TV, that’s fine. If you don’t, don’t have one.)

Yes: Respecting your family.
No: Acting a fool.

Yes: Loving your curly/ straight/ frizzy/ fine/ flat/ gray hair. Because at least you have some, right?
No: Obsessing about something you can’t change.

Yes: Finding and celebrating the beauty that you are.
No: Making yourself miserable because the number on the scale, the jeans, the dress…whatever…is “too high.” It’s a number. It has no power over you.

Yes: Making time for romance in your marriage, even though jobs, kids, church, tuba lessons, etc. make you crazy busy.
No: Making your spouse the bottom of your list of priorities.

Yes: Text messaging to save time.
No: Text messaging while driving.

Yes: Evita, the musical
No: Cats, the musical

Yes: Cats, the animal
No: Having over eight of them.

Yes: Shakespeare
No: Nicholas Sparks

Yes: Harry Potter
No: Twilight (Yes, I read them. I even enjoyed reading them. But they weren’t lifechanging. So move on. And don’t wear the t-shirt. It makes you look like a jerk.)

Yes: Breastfeeding
No: 1) Not even trying to breastfeed your baby, or 2) being so adamant about breastfeeding that you make people who, like me, did it as long as they could and then had to stop for reasons beyond their control feel like horrible, abusive mothers.

Yes: Disney World
No: Six Flags

Yes: Empathy
No: Insensitivity

Yes: Cake auctions
No: Camping

Yes: Barack Obama
No: Adam Sandler

Yes: Daffodils
No: Leprosy

Yes: Being excited when you hear a friend or relative’s good news.
No: Trying to one-up them, diminish their accomplishments, or point out how it all could go horribly wrong.

Yes: Scrapbooking, sewing, baking , photography, theater, whatever satisfies your creative urges.
No: Rolling your eyes and telling artists that they “have too much time on their hands.” We all have the same 24 hours. We just choose to use it in different ways.

Yes: Unbridled enthusiasm.
No: A detached air of superiority.

Yes: Cooking a meal for your family.
No: Cooking separate meals for each member of your family, because little Dwayne won’t eat chicken and Tammy only eats white foods and Leon insists on waffles for every meal. Seriously? If they’re hungry, they’ll eat. Picky eaters aren’t just picky; they’re rude.

Yes: Using a jogging stroller on uneven terrain.
No: Using a jogging stroller in the mall.

Yes: Optimism
No: Black mold